ugh.

october 26th is the 1 year anniversary of brandons death.
i originally agreed to attend a mass for him on that day- especially since he does not have a grave for me to visit.
now i am having second thoughts because honestly it feels like he died yesterday and anytime i let myself think about it i become hysterical. i dont know if its a good idea for me to go a church and cry in public- i dont want to feel like im at a funeral.
when i think about him or the situation i dont even want to be around anybody and especially not around strangers.
im not sure i even feel like i need to mark the date. its just as hard today as it will be on that day.
this sucks so bad. fucking tragic.